My name is Lamba Gyang, I am 36 years old, a native of Nkyam Ratatis (Dorowa Babuje) of Ropp district in Barkin Ladi Local Government Area of Plateau State. I am a farmer/Okada Rider. I have been married to my wife Kachollom for twelve years, she is 30 years old, and we are blessed with four children all girls namely: Favour, Faith, Elizabeth, and Rahila. There is also Teyei my late brother’s daughter whom we have adopted since his demise in 2020. Their ages are 12, 9, 6, 3, and 7, respectively. The first is in JSS2, the rest are in Primary school except my last daughter who will be starting primary school in September 2023.
Our early years of marriage was peaceful as we made collective decisions regardless of what it was. Our financial condition was fair since the necessities of life were affordable for us and, we spent quality time at home together. She was loving indeed! I supported her in starting the business of frying Chinchin, doughnut, and selling of sugarcane all aimed at bringing financial stability to our family.
After the birth of our second daughter, I started getting worried as I wanted a Male Child. We started having misunderstanding due to the pressure I mounted on her to have a male child.
The influence of family members and friends led me to start blaming her for birthing only female children which means I have no heir. This became even more severe when she was pregnant with our third daughter, and it was obvious after the doctor’s report that it was a girl. My attitude totally changed and the love I have for her began to decline.
I started engaging in extramarital affairs, stayed late, and at times I do not even come back home. I stopped supporting her in running household chores which was a norm for me. I yelled and beat her at the slightest provocation and even regretted marrying her. One day, I beat my first daughter out of anger because of something she did which was negligible, she was hospitalized. I sincerely considered divorcing and marrying another wife to get a male child. For the past five years, our relationship had been sore.
When my wife got enrolled in the WFWI program, I was initially reluctant about the whole idea and I was not in support of it, but after much persuasion from her and her family, I gave consent. A month went by then I started noticing a positive change of attitude. She does not argue with me again, her negative attitude towards me started changing, and her responses became warm. This made me ponder about the program and not to hesitate to attend when she informed me about Men’s Engagement Program (MEP) and representing her. This in the end became a blessing particularly to me and my family. On the first day, I was guided on visioning exercise. This completely changed my thinking and idea about life as it assisted me to plan my life and family futuristically with timelines. Topics on girl education, human rights, women's rights, household duties/roles, violence against women, Inheritance, will-writing, drug abuse, family planning etc helped to shape my new knowledge especially on the X and Y chromosome which determines the biological sex of an individual.
I realized I have been an abusive husband over the years. I regret my actions and ask my wife for forgiveness. We have forgiven each other and live happy and peaceful. Ever since we attended the couple’s sessions together, we have set goals and worked together as a couple towards achieving them.
We have decided to plan for all our daughter’s education, we are still making plans on how to have our inheritance properly transferred to them when we are no longer alive as the issue of, them not being male does not cross my mind anymore. We have plans to open a proper shop where my wife will be selling food ingredients along with her chinchin, etc and buy a grinding machine later. As part of my action plan during the visioning exercise, we were able to complete and moved into our new two-bedroom apartment located at Angwan Tudu in January 2023, leaving the family house for good. We have also laid the foundation for boys' quarters.
I have learned to trust her, support her, understand her weakness, and help with some household duties.
I don’t know how my life would have turned out if not for WFWI which has brought this remarkable shift in my thinking and action. I can boldly say I am content and happy with my daughters, I am a better father, husband, role model, and leader to my family and I will encourage that the MEP training should be extended to other communities.
